I am a firm believer that every person has their own demons although they are presented to different people in different ways. My demons seemed to come to me all at once and with a force that knocked me off my feet. My name is Jessi Van Ryzin and I’m currently on my second year at the University of Wisconsin- La Crosse. I’m studying psychology and pre-occupational therapy with a minor in sociology, and have a life dream of opening an occupational and equestrian therapy clinic for mentally and physically handicapped children and teens.
During my junior year of high school I started getting mysterious pains in my abdomen, I lost my appetite, and I lost my ability to hold down food. I went weeks without eating, lost 15-20lbs, and was in constant pain that ranged from aching to in the fetal position and crying. My doctor had originally assumed it was my gallbladder and that it needed to be removed, but after a few months, a ton of tests, and everything looking completely normal we finally came to a diagnosis. I had Nonulcer Dypepsia, which basically means that every now and then I get all of the symptoms and pain of an extremely severe stress-induced ulcer without actually getting the ulcer. The catch? Without an actual ulcer, there’s nothing to treat… meaning nothing to control the symptoms except for time and sheer force of mind.
My demons decided to make a visit after the first few weeks of college. I was homesick, surrounded by people I didn’t really know, in challenging classes, and had yet to find a way to get away from it all. Stress tornado. Add in the fact that two people very close to me had just gotten in a horrific motorcycle accident; stress tsunami. PLUS my brother, with whom I hadn’t really had a relationship in 3 years, had suddenly reappeared in my life with some crazy demons of his own? It was like a stress-induced zombie apocalypse and I was the last living human on earth. I quickly became very sick with my Nonulcer Dyspepsia, anxiety, and depression. It got to the point that I couldn’t leave my bed for weeks. I rarely went to class, couldn’t eat, could hardly stand without passing out, and put a lot of strain on the roommates and friends that I had just met.
The turning point was when my mom found out. She drove four hours unannounced in the middle of the night, picked me up and brought me to a hotel. We stayed there for a few days while she helped to nurse me back to health, much like she had when I was in high school. With her help, I finally started to be able to defeat my demons; I went to class, went for walks, taught myself how to eat again, and made friends. But, my Nonulcer Dyspepsia had taken a toll on my body that I was unprepared for. It had invited a nasty little disease to come hang out on my skin; severe psoriasis. My final demon. For those who don’t know, psoriasis is a genetic skin disease that doesn’t typically present until a person’s 30’s or 40’s or after some type of trauma or extreme stress. It is ugly, painful, and nowhere to be found in my family line.
The symptoms started as just a few spots on my neck and ears and, in just a few short months, spread all over my face, ears, neck, chest, back, stomach, and arms. I could find nothing to relieve the pain of the red, flakey, swollen patches on my body, or to treat the psoriasis itself. I was stuck without treatment, as my only choices were between medications that didn’t work for me, medications I couldn’t afford, and medications that could have destroyed my fertility. I had to struggle with accepting the fate that my demons had presented me with; an incurable disease on what I used to consider my beautiful skin.
A long time ago, my mom showed me this poem called Mother Theresa’s ‘Anyway’ poem (Google it- I promise it’ll be worth your time). The whole poem is beautiful, but the last lines are my favorite: “You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; it was never between you and them anyway.” These two lines are honestly the biggest influence on me embracing my demons. They have taught me that it truly doesn’t matter what anyone thinks or says but only matters what I think and believe, as I am the only one who can decide how I react to what fate has given me. There’s no point in being hateful of myself, it’ll only lead to a life of misery. Because of this poem, I have learned that I am beautiful BECAUSE of my demons and I’m damn proud of that.
But the funniest thing to me is that as soon as I finally began to be okay with the fact that I would carry this demon with me for the rest of my life, I was approved for the only treatment that would make most of my psoriasis go away… for 25 years! I now take two injections per week and have most of my clear skin back, but I like to show off the spots that are still there. They are my battle scars and I’ve never loved them more. So, to all of my Bella Soul friends and family out there, I encourage you all to embrace your demons and wear your battle scars with pride. They are what make us individuals. They tell a story. They make us beautiful. And most of all, they are what bring us together to share our stories and to support each other.
Thank you Bella Soul for all that you do.
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